Friday, September 24, 2010
When is the Year's Hottest X-Mas Gift a Sure Sign of Impending Doom?
WHEN TARGET STARTS SELLING MOTHERFORKING FACEBOOK GIFT CARDS!!!!!! THAT'S RIGHT, ALL THE KIDS WILL BE GETTING FREE FARMVILLE BEETS THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, COURTESY OF SWEET, OUT OF TOUCH AUNT MILLIE AND HER ADDICTION TO TARGET SHOPPING. I THOUGHT THIS WAS ALL A CRUEL JOKE, BUT I SAW THE LITTLE BASTARDS TODAY. IS THIS HOW FAR WE'VE SUNK? WE DON'T EVEN REQUIRE THOUGHTLESS PLASTIC DEBITS THAT CAN BE REDEEMED FOR REAL GOODS? MINIMIZING GIFTING EFFORT & HELPING OUR FLOUNDERING POPULACE SINK DEEPER INTO VIRTUAL INSANITY IS COOL? REALLY? VIRTUAL GOODS? THAT COST REAL MONEY? (I THINK I READ THIS BOOK.) THAT'S WHAT WE WANT? MAYBE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. MILLIE GOES INTO TARGET, GIVES THEM $50 AND GETS A TOUCHING, SKY BLUE CARD FOR LITTLE TIMMY. TIMMY THEN USES THESE 50 REAL DOLLARS AS FACEBOOK CREDITS TO BUY UTTERLY WORTHLESS, NON-EXISTENT DRIVEL. MIGHT HE NEED A POWER-UP TO GET THROUGH A PARTICULARLY DIFFICULT SUDOKU? OR MAYBE HE JUST MUST HAVE THE NEW AB-FAB OUTFIT IN DRESS ME UP. EITHER WAY HE'LL BE USING REAL MONEY TO GET IT. THANKS TO AUNT MILLIE, WHO DOESN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE HOW SHE'S CONTRIBUTING TO THE DOWNFALL OF CIVILIZATION. ANYONE WHO'S INTO THAT CAN GO DIRECTLY TO HELL AND NOT COLLECT $200. SCREW YOU. OUT.
Whistle Stops
Russell Branyan has missed 5 games since hurting himself eating pizza --
"On the off day last week, I took my family to a pizza parlor," Branyan said. "They had plastic chairs, and after we'd eaten, my little guy had kicked one of his flip flops off.
"I was sitting on the edge of the chair, leaning down to pick it up, and the chair slid out from under me on the cement floor. I landed right on my tail bone."
Still need to get rid of that stanky LeFraud jersey? Scene Magazine has partnered with the Miami New Times to kill two birds with one useless piece of nylon. Donate your tacky #23 to Scene and they will ship it down to South Beach where the New Times staff will personally walk the streets and gift it to a person in need. Sounds like a great deal to me. Maybe we could get them all to congregate outside the AAA before each Heat game.
Each day that goes by with Jake Delhomme gimping around on his oh-so-tender ankle makes it more difficult for me not to add an extra vowel sound to the end of his last name. Maybe he should just man up and take the start against Ray-Ray and the Ravens? That way, after his funeral, we'll still have a sub-par QB to start next week. I've heard some prognosticators describe the scenario necessary for a Browns win as "hell freezing over." At least CBS has decided to show me this week's game so I wallow in misery with the rest of the NC.
Cheers.
"On the off day last week, I took my family to a pizza parlor," Branyan said. "They had plastic chairs, and after we'd eaten, my little guy had kicked one of his flip flops off.
"I was sitting on the edge of the chair, leaning down to pick it up, and the chair slid out from under me on the cement floor. I landed right on my tail bone."
Still need to get rid of that stanky LeFraud jersey? Scene Magazine has partnered with the Miami New Times to kill two birds with one useless piece of nylon. Donate your tacky #23 to Scene and they will ship it down to South Beach where the New Times staff will personally walk the streets and gift it to a person in need. Sounds like a great deal to me. Maybe we could get them all to congregate outside the AAA before each Heat game.
Each day that goes by with Jake Delhomme gimping around on his oh-so-tender ankle makes it more difficult for me not to add an extra vowel sound to the end of his last name. Maybe he should just man up and take the start against Ray-Ray and the Ravens? That way, after his funeral, we'll still have a sub-par QB to start next week. I've heard some prognosticators describe the scenario necessary for a Browns win as "hell freezing over." At least CBS has decided to show me this week's game so I wallow in misery with the rest of the NC.
Cheers.
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