You're Waiting For a Train...: Jan 3, 2011

Monday, January 3, 2011

Let It Snow

I don't know where this was in December 2010, but I am real glad I was not there.

By now, you've doubtlessly read the memo that Eric Mangina has been cut loose by the Browns. What no one is mentioning is the unprecedented dictum handed down by the NFL. Due in large part to a series of talks between NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and Cleveland Browns President Mike Holmgren, the league has added a marquee finale to the post-season docket. On February 20th, Rungrado May Day Stadium in Pyongyang, North Korea (Capacity: 150,000) will host the Halliburton Democracy Bowl. One participant will be the winner of the 02.06 Super Bowl (I will not pay the NFL for using the title). The other? Our very own Cleveland Browns.

The NFL has yet to make an official statement, but several "inside sources" have indicated that Holmgren convinced Goodell that Mangina was such a detriment to the organization, such a ball of failure and unrepentant evil, that the commish felt that the only just remedy would be to give the Browns a second chance. Also at play is the the unlikelihood of a full 2011 NFL season, if one is played at all. Looking to maximize the dollar value of the current campaign and fully recognizing Magenius' quasi (if not fully) satanic influence over the Cleveland club, the Browns were chosen to "compete" in the debut of a game described by some as "bigger than the Beatles when they were bigger than Jesus."

While a handful of pundits have expressed concern at holding such a massive event in a wildly unstable political region ruled by a man whom some consider the greatest active culprit of genocide and human rights violations, others point to the selection of Qatar to host the 2022 World Cup as evidence that such political trepidations should not be taken into consideration. Additionally, neither the White House nor the U.N. has issued a formal statement. Whispers from those in the know point to North Korea receiving carte blanche status with regard to it's nuclear testing and development in return for the use of massive May Day Stadium and safe haven for the teams and fans. Speculation is that, while the NFL would reap the vast majority of licensing profits, ticket sales and concessions dollars, the influx of "tourism" spending makes the deal even more palatable to the Nort Koreans, particularly Kim Jong-il. I'm sure the exposure on US and international television is also quite titillating for the narcissistic Supreme Leader.

Sadly, while the Browns have the distinguished opportunity to showcase themselves in what many deem "the greatest thing since God created the world in seven days," the non-monetary returns may be quite minimal. The Brownies will still have never played in, let alone triumphed, in a Super Bowl. And, while the winners of the game will be recognized as "omnipotent Gods fallen to Earth," the title does not encompass that of NFL champions. Given that the Browns defeated both New England (14-2) and New Orleans (11-5) this season and that the squad will have a full six weeks to prepare, I believe we can expect a substantially competitive game. No announcement yet as to who will coach the Browns that day, but the smart money is on either Holmgren himself or the second coming of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ. The former is certainly more likely due to the latter's lack of big game experience and his tendency to "turn the other cheek" when push comes to shove.

Beggars can't be choosers and this is the most important thing to happen in Cleveland sports since the Crunch won the MISL Championship in 1999. I'll be supporting the Brownies whole hog and redoubling my fanship of the 7-9 Seattle Seahawks as they fight through the playoffs proper. A Browns/Seahawks Halliburton Democracy Bowl would dwarf even the Big Bang in relevance to human history. I would love to be a part of it,

Tickets for the game are on a VIP, eyes-only basis. For instructions on their acquisition please contact either the Browns or the North Korean government.

Go Browns!